Big T and little t: the everyday impact of subtle trauma

When we think about trauma, we often picture something large and overwhelming—war, abuse, accidents, or natural disasters. These are what we call “Big T” traumas: singular events that rupture a person’s sense of safety in the world.

But trauma doesn’t always come in dramatic forms. Some of the most impactful experiences are what we call “little t” traumas. These are subtler, often repeated experiences that can chip away at our sense of self over time.

Little t trauma might look like:

• Growing up with emotionally unavailable or inconsistent caregivers.

• Being repeatedly overlooked or minimised.

• Feeling like you had to be the “good one” or the “strong one” to earn love.

• Internalising messages, spoken or unspoken, that who you are isn’t quite right.

These experiences don’t always leave a visible mark, but they can have a lasting emotional impact - particularly when they are frequent, chronic, or occur during key developmental stages.

The Critical Parent Voice (A TA Perspective)

In Transactional Analysis, we understand that these internalised messages often form part of what we call the Critical Parent ego state—an internal voice made up of rules, judgments, and beliefs we absorb from our early environment.

This voice might sound like:

• “You should be better than this.”

• “Stop being so sensitive.”

• “If you can’t do it perfectly, don’t bother.”

Over time, these messages become part of how we relate to ourselves, influencing our decisions, relationships, and self-worth - often outside of our awareness.

“It Wasn’t That Bad…”

Many people minimise these kinds of experiences. You might find yourself saying, “It wasn’t that bad” or “Other people had it worse.” But trauma isn’t about comparison, it’s about impact. If something left you feeling unsafe, unseen, or unworthy, then it matters.

Therapy creates space to explore these subtle patterns, to meet the parts of us that were shaped by them, and to bring compassion and understanding where there may once have been judgment or shame.

A Final Thought

Not all pain announces itself loudly. Some of it whispers, slowly shaping the way we see ourselves and the world. When I sit with a client I want them to know that healing doesn’t require justification. It just requires recognition.